Sometimes it gets hard to differentiate what it is exactly that I truly want and want to achieve in life and what I think I should want.
Quite often I find myself censoring myself as I'm about to divulge some intimate part of myself. An earnest dream or hope. I'm held back by not wanting to seem to have gall. I hesitate so that I don't make myself out to be more than I ought to be. Allowing myself to only want what I think I deserve.
I am the opposite of a rapper.
What I can never work out though is where I ever got these notions. Who implanted these standards into my subconscious? Why are they so hard to shake?
It all reminds me of that Mary Poppins song, Step In Time, (with the chimney sweepers). As if there's a chimney sweeper in my head making sure that my thoughts all step in time. Never to deviate, wonder, go out on a tangent...
You can't say that. You can't be that.
Monday, 29 April 2013
Wednesday, 24 April 2013
Yesterday at lunch, I found myself in a familiar position at the bakery choosing what to have. My usual was a roast beef roll but this day I was distracted by a fish roll thing-y which was pretty much a piece of deep fried fish in a white bun with a generous dollop of tartare sauce heaped onto it.
I was tempted.
I resisted. Well, attempted to. I told my myself: "You really ought not to".
I bought it eventually. And felt sick afterwards.
I realise now, I should've told myself: "You don't want to".
I never listen to myself when referring to the theoretical.