Friday, 26 July 2013

Being Scared

So I got a job right. Exciting stuff really. (I'd been at home with the not-so-baby-anymore for three and a half years)

The thing that I'm most struck by is new-ness. Creating new pathways in my brain (can you still do that the ripe old age of 25 years scientists?) and revisiting old, cobweb-y ones.

Feeling challenged once again and finding out that surprisingly, I'm liking (though not always enjoying) the feeling.

But mostly, I'm scared shitless. Of stuffing up obviously, but mostly just of the new-ness of it all.

I read somewhere that you should do one thing that scares you every day. Now personally I think that might be too much for my poor heart but I think I'm finally realising the importance of feeling scared at all.

It gets the juices going. The survival juices. The creative juices. The learning juices. Basically all the juices.

Save cranberry. I've never been fond of the stuff and would much prefer that they stay put.

Sunday, 21 July 2013

At the end...

... the most unexpected song/phrase/place would bring forth hidden memories of times long gone. This hurts.

... you're blinded and frustrated and angered by all the hurt.

... the memories of the beginning are almost unbearable because of all the promise beginnings hold... and knowing that some promises will and can never be kept. Maybe it's for the best.

... the guilt for all the things you did wrong can be debilitating.

... you realise that unlike Hollywood movies, sometimes there isn't an picturesque sunrise and a moment of utter understanding... an epiphany. Just a slow and eventual change in your thought process, heart and priorities.

At the end you move on.