Wednesday, 31 December 2014


Hey does the New Year always bring to mind one song in particular?

For me, it's this guy:

Its funny though cos it's such a melancholy, unoptimistic song... not at all how you'd imagine one should feel on New Years and certainly not the tone that you'd expect a song called Resolution to take... but there you go.

2014 for me has been for the most part, very difficult. And of course this term "difficult" is as subjective as it always is. I mean, gosh darnnit I've recently read Beyond the Beautiful Forevers and my "very difficult" would be any of the characters' "walk in the park".
But this is how I felt.
Like I was running on a treadmill and just couldn't for the life of me keep up the pace.
Like I was child dressed in oversized adult clothes and pretending to speak adult words.
Like an open wound that needed attention and to be dressed and treated.
But also... at times.... like a ridiculously giddy butterfly whose mind is blown by the all the possibilities post-cocoon break.

It was certainly a time of growth and of course this is never comfortable. But more than anything, it was a time of self discovery... not in a waffly, hippy finding-myself kinda way... but in a challenging my core beliefs and expectations of both myself and the world around me and it's occupants way.
Which is great in hindsight, post-processing... but in the moment... well in the moment it sucked lol

So before 2014 ends and 2015 begins...I'll just take a minute to be down. Just a minute.

And when that's over. I'll get up, balls in hand and look 2015 square in the eye and dare it to do it's worst.

Wednesday, 8 October 2014

She Moves In Her Own Way

So my Ticketmaster subscription emaily thingiemajig notified me that The Kooks are coming to NZ -- The Kooks! Fancy that! 

Now were this 6 years ago I would've been ALL OVER IT. 

But alas.

A faithful keepin-up Kooks fan I have not remained.

But by gosh does this song still make wanna dance.

(That accent though right?!?!)

(Jesse if you read this, I may be keen if you wish to chaperone a poor girl... We can do the thing where I go to grab us drinks - you a water, me 3 beers - and I reappear magically wearing gig merch and beaming proudly like I'd just done the world's bestest trick)

Monday, 6 October 2014

What I was up to in the last year

In the last year I have...

- Lost a little bit of weight then gained it back

- Drank a bit too much and discovered that the aching loneliness and longing for something I didn't even want anymore demanded to be felt anyway. Whether I liked it or not.

- Stopped drinking too much and started chronic sober driver-ing.

- Started to realise that my Nutty took in and actually remembered the dumb explanations I gave her for the astonishingly eloquent questions she's started asking and realised that it well past time that I talked to my kid.

- Turned 26. And I didn't mind. I think I'm finally ready for this. Well... not ready. But ready to not be ready... If you know what I mean... You don't? .... Yeah... neither.

- Learned that getting even means nothing. I used to want to "teach people lessons" and show that no you cannot hurt me and not expect me to take a stab at inflicting pain myself. And yet, standing up for myself was still something I struggled to do.
I've learnt that dumb people will be dumb people... let them be.
And when necessary, to ask for what I need and even maybe have the nerve to expect it.

- Started dancing even without the allowance of inebriation. I've always been a dancer - not professionally of course nor particularly well at times - but a lover of the actioning of it. But you know that awkward mechanical feeling you feel before you get a few in you and you feel like someone's finally issued you with a release form to move? I've shed that now. I dance when I wanna dance. F*&^ it.

 - Yet to finally quit that nasty habit of lighting up toxic (and at times I suppose, tobacco) filled sticks and inhaling, rinsing, repeating... But they've stopped being able to cure stressful days and I've stopped using them thus. Now if I could only stop using them at all...

- Aged a year.

I am dreading and looking forward to the rest of this year.
All I know though is if anyone -- ANYONE, asked me to live this year over again. I would bitch slap them.