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Saturday, 25 June 2016

On getting into trouble" (I mean this in the Primary School sense of the word)

I don't know if it's being Samoan or being a girl but for whatever reason, I have a thing about being scared of getting into trouble. 

In most scenarios I'm ok, I test the waters and attempt to push boundaries here and there. 

But then there are those times... when for reasons unbeknownst to the conscious spaces in my mind, getting into trouble seems to be the single most terrifying thing that could happen to me.
And my anxiety spurs me on, kicking the quiet voice of reason to the curb. 

When really there are a million things way worse than getting in trouble....

Like not understanding how your job works... As a purely random example.

I look at Nutty and think, I want  you to be scared of the "right" things. Which are... 

... Which are.. 

I wanna teach Nutty how to fear the “right things”. Things that are actually really important you get or get right. Not just… getting into trouble.I have a thing about being scared of geng trouble.
When really there are a million things way worse than geng in trouble.
Like not understanding how your job works. Or why you have to do a certain thing.
I wanna teach Nuy how to fear the “right things”. Things that are actually really important you get
or get right. Not just… geng into trouble.I have a thing about being scared of geng trouble.
When really there are a million things way worse than geng in trouble.
Like not understanding how your job works. Or why you have to do a certain thing.
I wanna teach Nuy how to fear the “right things”. Things that are actually really important you get
or get right. Not just… geng into trouble.

Thursday, 23 June 2016

On fear

The warning of danger is so skewed in modern day life.
 
I know today will be a tough day at work but it’s not danger. Thank you biochemistry and human body for the warning...

But I’ll be ok.

Sunday, 10 January 2016

A calmer-er and a numb-er

I don't know what roles Facebook and Snapchat and Instagram and all the other favourite digital distractions hold for you but I'm beginning to identify mine...

They calm and numb. 

Firstly, calm. Now this can't seem even remotely wrong right?

Wrong.

Quite often the storm of emotion I'm struggling with needs to be felt. Maybe not right then, because, life and appropriate behaviour in certain contexts etc etc
But eventually. And with honestly. 

But with the swipe of a phone and the click of a button, these feelings and thoughts are stilled. Only to be revisited when they've gained a couple pounds.

Secondly, numb. Similar to all the aforementioned points I guess. All this intentional mindlessness. 

Sounds like an oxymoron... Intentional mindlessness. What once was a noble quest to streamline ones thoughts and intention has soured into something dysfunctional, veering toward dangerous. 



Put down your phone Donna. Even when you're on the train and it seems to be all that's left to do. Even when there's a lull in the conversation and the silence is ringing too loudly in your ear. Even when it's the commercial break. 

Check in with yourself. Your fb feed can wait. 

Wednesday, 6 January 2016

2016 Resolutions

Like most people, my relationship with new years resolutions can be described as iffy... at best.

But this year, I feel more resolute. 

So let's do this.

In 2016, I want:

1. To simply write more. Whether it be on here. Or in that beaten up notebook that swims in the bottom of my handbag. Or in a new notebook that I plan on buying in the spirit of newness and clean and pages and words that haven't been born yet.

2. To eat intuitively. There is no other way to eat for me. I am a person of immense appetite and to yet when I don't want to, or to eat what I don't want to.. is horrific. So this year, I will be try to listen to my body and pay close attention to what it wants. And give it exactly that.

3. To read more. I only read 13 books in 2015. I missed having constant fiction friends. 2015 was too fraught with my own dramas, I felt like I didn't have much capacity for fictional drama. But I've found a way around it. Non-fiction duh! I'm eagerly awaiting Spinster in the mail as we speak. 

4. To not pay unnecessary money due to my lack of organisation. Ridick toll fees, library fees, bank account fees. I know that I need to be more organised in general but I feel like I should just start  with just doing shit that saves me money. Ok.

5. To enrol Nutty into swim school. She doesn't need to inherit all my fears/anxieties.

6. To meditate daily. 

8. To road trip for my birthday (27 March... hmmm... guess I'm pretty confident in my having no readers that I was willing to broadcast that... interesting) with a few unruly loved ones.

9. To get drunk less.This is not necessarily the same as drinking less. There have been a fair few incidences where I have drunken quite enjoyably and socially without getting ridiculous...and I plan on continuing this practice.

10. To see my Nana in Australia.

11. To finally become a proper kiwi. Dual citizenship, here I come. 

12. To save. An oldie but a goodie. It's a modest number that I've set. Manageable, being the name of the game (ah that obscure game Manageable... you should play it some time). 

12. To continue on this path of self courtship, discovery and appreciation that I started in 2015. Shit got a bit rocky at new years but I think it was all the name of good living. Sigh. It does get in the way doesn't it?


All the best to those of you making resolutions. May the odds/winds/Gods/things that govern favour be ever in our favour.

Chur